Tarot for the Modern Dater, Part 1

Disclaimer: This post is for everyone. Doesn't matter your gender or sexuality, this is supposed to be my attempt at being humorous. And just to let you know, these stories are not completely made up, bits and pieces come from things that have actually happened to me.

Can we tell the truth in here? Let's be honest people. Dating is hard. Very hard. Getting to know anyone is always difficult and a bit awkward, but getting to know someone and you both hoping that this will turn into something romantic can be ever weirder. It is a lot like interviewing someone to sleep with you. And now with hookup apps like Tinder, Grindr and all the others, you feel like instead of anyone getting to know you, they just want to know about the part in between those legs which can be very daunting to some, and super awesome for others. Either way, dating is somewhat of an adventure. And what better way to start an adventure than by a tarot reading! So I thought up some modern meanings for cards that may come up when your doing a reading on this new person you may be going on a date with tonight. So lets say your doing one-card readings and you pull...

The Devil

​So you met her on Tindr and she didn't say much except that she wanted to met up tonight. She walks in, she's hot. She buys you a drink and she's giving you the eye. What eye? You know what eye, don't act like you don't know!. After talking a for a bit, she asks you if you want to get out of there and go back to your place. You thinking, "Woah, she's for real right now? Should I?" But you do, because you know you want this as bad as she does. Your get back to your place and you guys go TO TOWN. It sounds like a bull is running around your apartment you guys make so much noise. The downstairs neighbors are banging their ceiling/your floor with a broomstick trying to get you guys to shut up. This girl is into some kinky stuff but that's ok, your down for it. Eventually you have to rest because, well, that was a marathon. When you wake up in the morning, she's gone, and so is your wallet. 

This person has one thing and one thing in mind only. TO GET LAID. If that's all you want, then hey, go for it. It will be hot, quick and possibly filthy (literally or figuratively, I don't know your life lol). But also be careful of the company you keep. This person may be a liar, a thief, or just may end up being a stalker. You are gonna have a good night, but you may want to think beyond that for your own safety.

Two of Cups

​You meet at the restaurant, you hear a voice say, "Hi, are you [insert your name here]?". You gaze up, there he is. Gorgeous eyes, beautiful body, smile that lights up a room. Your think, "Damn he looks BETTER than his profile pic!". When you talk, you find out he majored in Poly Sci and you have the same middle name! He tells you about his elderly neighbor, Edith, and how it's so weird that he has become such good friends with a 85 year old woman! She has even taught him how to knit and it is really helping him deal with the stress at work (he's so sweet, he checks on Edith everyday because he knows how lonely she gets). And don't forget you both love HGTV and the Red Hot Chili Peppers! This is nuts! You leave the restaurant hand-in-hand. You have both are completely smitten and you both know it. He walks you to your door and doesn't even ask to come inside. He doesn't want to ruin this! You reach over and yes! The kiss is happening! It's snowing lightly and it basically looks like you are on the set of a Christmas movie. You get inside the door. You get on your phone and text your bestie because you can't believe this shit. He texts you when he gets home to tell you he's safe and had a great time. He wants to know when your free for another date! Your in love!

The Two of Cups means this one might be THE ONE. The one and only. The connection is instant and very strong. You have been in love before but this is more than just love, this is a bond that you don't want to let go of. This person is awesome and don't worry, we all do the Pinterest thing. 

Three of Cups

​You were set up by your brother's girlfriend. At first you really didn't want to go, but the more you hear about her, the more excited you get. Your brother's girlfriend tells you, "She's so cool. I'm gonna be surprised if you haven't decided to live together by the end of the date, Your both like the outdoors and she is soooooooo chill. She knows how to make homemade kombucha and she just started her own Kickstarter to support her local co-op! You gonna like her. Seriously." I mean, you do like kombucha, and that is pretty awesome that she supports local businesses, so why not? So you get dressed and ready to meet her at a coffee shop. What the hell did she say she was wearing again? Whatever you will figure it out. So in she comes. She hardly greets you or gives you any eye contact. She smells. Like, I mean, SHE SMELLS. You try to start a conversation with her, and she is SUPER PRETENTIOUS. She went to Brown and clearly feels like because you only went to a state school, she is better than you. She spends most of the date bragging about herself and talking about her ex, who is writer like you, but her ex has written a few books on the New York Best Seller list, and she wants you to know that. Everything you say she has to one-up you, as if you aren't on a date, but some kind of life competition. Your send the emergency phrase to your friend, Andre, who calls you talking and yelling very loudly so that this chick thinks it is an emergency. You run out the door mumbling something Andre's cat being stuck on the roof and that's the end of that.

What a disappointment. This date you had been looking forward to for weeks ends up being a total dud. Everything you had dreamed up was not actually what had really happen. After so many let-downs, you really though this would be a winner. That's ok, onward and upward.

Did you enjoy this? Let me know!